Had a meeting with my advisor today. I did pathetic this semester, and he is not too pleased. “You know I have a lot of students who want to work with me, so we need results by the end of summer.” Gentleman that he is there was not the slightest hint of agitation in his voice as he said this. I need to work hard on research this summer, since I am taking just one class (Cryptography) and an Independent Study with my advisor. I did very poorly on the final exam in parallel processing, which my advisor teaches. I thought the exam was at 12 and it turned out to be at 10, and besides I was breaking my head over some code required in the evolutionary computation class, on the same day. So I ended up scoring the least in the class (which, I might note, is an absolute first in my life.)
My professional life is at its nadir. No way but up or out now. There is no out, so I have to work smarter (and harder perhaps) and get things going. Its all in the mind, I tell myself.
The worst bit is, at the end, he said, ” I can understand if you dont have the resources or the drive. I know when I talk to you that you have read all these papers and journals. Why is it that none of it is reflected in the write-ups, in our proposal drafts, or in the exams? ” I dont know the answer to that. I need to zoom in on the need of the momnet and not think too much.
When I think, I find that I like to come up with possible problems with my approach, and after a time, I have n suggestions or ideas and n^2 problems that might arise if any of these ideas are implemented, and so I get stuck, since the problem seems insurmountable (trust me, I can make any problem look insurmountable.), and just stall on the document. I think, “oh well, whats the point in writing all this up since anyway it sounds like a rotten candidate for inclusion in the proposal?” I just need to up the ante on paperwork, diagrams and the sort. I guess as I write something, I will get ideas as to how to improve things.
I wonder if the above problem stems from my general tendency to be pessimistic about things. I need to learn to be optimistic.
I wish I could let him know that there is nobody else I would do my Ph.D. under. I am NOT unresourceful.
Fire in the belly. What the recruiter from Cognizant technology said during the pre-placement talk was true. You need the fire burning at all times, that fixes everything.
Back to work, then, alrighty!!
Oh, and I forgot, I had a small accident yesterday. I was returning from the Alafaya Library on my bike, it was around 9 in the night. At a four way intersection i jumped a walk light on the sidewalk and ran straight into a car that was crossing the road from my right to the road that was on my left. The guy was dazed, the cycle battered in a way, I suffered a few slight bruises, and I was thankful at the end that it was me who ran into the side of the car, and not the car which ran into me. I was amazed to see that I came out of it unhurt! The guys who I ran into were so dazed and confused and there was the scared look on their faces too. I said I am fine and asked them to hurry along, which they did. A girl offered me a ride home in her car, she was pretty insistent too, but I decided to walk home. I am perfectly fine. My bike lost a pedal, and the wheels are skewed, so no more biking!
This incident made me realize the difference between being in your home country and being in a foreign land. Had this happened in India, I would have known exactly what to do, but since it happened here, I had no clue what to do, and if not for that lady, I would have felt bad that no one stopped to help. But she did stop, so people are kind here too. When I went to sid’s place and told him about this, he said-“you have to be careful bro, this is a foreign land, and anything can happen, and we would’nt even know whats happening.”
So I need to read up on the rules, and avoid biking in the night.